my personal psalm

today marks 1 year since we buried my little man. 1 year since ive seen his face (not in dreams). 1 year since ive kissed his forehead. i was talking with my mom today about how it all seems like it happened yesterday. but also years ago... every scene from that day is forever etched into my memory. every horrible picture (that i will not share with you unless you ask. no one needs those thoughts in their head unless they are prepared...). but also, every comforting image is there... almost every face that i saw at the hospital - people from highland (our church family), people from hillcrest (my church family growing up). i have no idea how any of those people knew we were there. i have no idea who called them. i just know they were there. they prayed for us and over us. they cleaned our homes. they brought food. they cried with us and for us. they sat. they waited. and that was just the first day. i would never have thought, at this exact time 365 days ago, that i would ever be able to smile again...that there would ever be any joy again...

my sweet harlow loves to watch a documentary on netflix called 'jig.' it tells the stories of young kids competing at the world's competition in irish step dancing. every time h asks to watch the 'dancing movie,' she runs to her room, puts on a 'long, pretty dress' and some loud shoes, and dances around the kitchen on the tile floors. she has this joy about her that is completely indescribable. she has no inhibitions. all she knows is a joy and a peace that passes understanding. how much i learn from this little girl every day...

a year ago, and so many times since then, my mom has said to me, 'there will be dancing again.' harlow knows. she knows the joy so great that all you can do is dance. i know that joy, too, but have felt so much sorrow that i forget what it feels like. my prayer is, that with each day that passes, the joy comes back exponentially. that god gives me the strength to dance, even when i am being swallowed by the grief. that in time, i will be as joyful as this little girl. (and yes, the picture is blurry because it is an action shot, but you get the idea.)