It has been a while since I've written anything. I was pregnant with my first child when I started this (I am now pregnant with baby #3), and obviously didn't keep it up. I think I have more to say now... maybe.
I suppose I'll start right where we are. That's as good a place as any, right...?
On May 3, 2012, my son was born. He was perfect and healthy, and had rolls of fat and little chicken legs that he must have gotten from his father (I wish i could claim that one!). He was a good eater, and was sleeping 6 hour long stretches from about 4 weeks. He was the perfect addition to our household. On July 10, 2012, I put him down for a nap, and when i thought he'd been asleep long enough and needed to eat, I went to wake him up. I found him in his crib, as usual. Only, he wasn't there. In his place was the shadow of my sweet boy. SIDS had robbed me of my boy. I tried everything I could to bring him back to me. The Dr's tried everything they could to bring him back to me. He was too beautiful and perfect to live in this world. Why would God give me something...someone...so perfect, and then take him away? I still do not understand. I will never understand. Nothing more terrible could happen to anyone. One saying is 'someone who loses a spouse is called a widow(er). someone who loses a parent is an orphan. there is no word for someone who loses a child. that's how terrible it is.' I look at pictures even today, and cry...all the 'what-if's' running through my head. What if he had napped in my room? What if I had found him sooner? What if i had done cpr better? I deal with a lot of moms, and from what I gather, I think we are all prone to guilt at some level. We all want to be better. We all want to do the best for our kids and always think that someone else is doing it better. What if E had a different mommy? Would he still be here? Would he still be cuddling and making people laugh?
E couldn't have had a different mommy. H couldn't have a different mommy. This new baby couldn't have a different mommy. I was chosen. The Lord knew how strong I was, and could become. What I am now is nothing like what I was then. I have a compassion that was never there before. I can listen to other's sorrows and really care about what they are saying. Most of the time, people talk to me about how my story made them love their babies more. Sometimes, I hear about how seeing our strength (that only comes from God), has brought them closer or even back to Jesus. Ezra means 'helper' in Hebrew. I didn't know when I named him what a helper he would turn out to be. Even in death...especially in death...he is helping those around him. Why was I chosen? Maybe God knew how many people needed help. Maybe He knew my sweet little guy could do it. Maybe he trusted me to send His good news even through my own sorrow. I hate that it happened. I say 'hate' because I can't think of a word that is strong enough to adequately convey how I truly feel. ...but if even one person has drawn closer to God because of it, then I can be happy.
Back to the now...
This past Sunday at church, hubs was singing on the praise team. It was a year (minus 3 days) from the day my E passed away, and I was a definite emotional wreck. I didn't think I was going to be, but something about sitting in that auditorium, where we had E's funeral, and singing those specific songs, took me to the 'ugly cry' place. One of the first songs we sang says 'had it not been the Lord who was on our side...the water's would have engulfed us. we would have surely died... had it not been the Lord who was on our side...' Over the past year, this song has gotten new meaning. It is true. I would have surely died. There is not doubt in my mind. The heartache I have had this year was too much for one person to bare. It should have killed me. I should be with my baby. ...BUT... The Lord is, and was, on my side. He never left me. Things are hard. My marriage is not what it needs to be. We are two different people than we were a year ago. We are working hard to love each other and get to know the new person we are married to. If you are reading this, and you pray, please pray that we can learn to love each other.
So, here's to trying this whole blog thing again. Here goes nothing...
No comments:
Post a Comment